Flunking high school Spanish has its advantages. Not knowing what's going on while watching Latin TV allows you to concentrate on the great-looking chicas. Because we understand this, we give you the stars of Latin TV--a luscious layout of bust-out talent from the land where plots are thin, guys are stout and women are beautiful.
Playboy (ISSN 0032-1478), March 2003, Volume 50, Number 3, Published Monthly by Playboy, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Subscriptions: U.S., $29.97 for 12 issues. Canada, $43.97 for 12 issues. All other foreign, $45 U.S. Currency only. For new and renewal orders and Change of Address, Send to Playboy Subscriptions, P.O. Box 2007, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. Please allow 6-8 weeks for processing. For Change of Address, Send new and old addresses and allow 45 days for change. Postmaster: Send form 3579 to Playboy, P.O. Box 2O07, Harlan, Iowa 51537-4007. Advertising: New York: 730 Fifth Avenue, New York 10019 (212-261-5000); Chicago: 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago 60611 (312-751-8000); West Coast: SD Media, 2001 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 200, Santa Monica, CA 90403 (310-264-7575); Southeast: Bentz & Maddock Inc., 5180 Roswell Road. Suite 102, South Building, Atlanta, GA 30342 (404-256-3800). For Subscription inquiries, Call 800-999-4438.
Because he took care of me: "I came down with the flu and was trapped at home. A friend of my ex called and asked if I needed anything. I declined, not wanting to spread my germs. Later, my doorbell rang and there he was, wearing a surgical mask. He fixed some soup and I dozed off and had an erotic dream about him. When I awoke, he drew me a bath. He undressed me, put me in the tub and even washed my hair. Then he dried me off and put me in bed. We lay together all night. I couldn't resist his morning wood pressing against me and we had great sex for breakfast. That's what I call good bedside manner!"
You can't miss Sofia Vergara, and why would you want to? Yet another tasty Colombian export, she's been on the covers of more than 50 international magazines and has sold more calendars and posters than anyone in the Latino community. Vergara was discovered walking along a Colombian beach, but her career took off when she moved to Miami and hosted the Wild On-esque Fuera de Serie (Out of This World). Her humorous presentation at the 1999 American Comedy Awards on Fox prompted director Barry Sonnenfeld to give her a role in Tim Allen's comedy Big Trouble. So does that mean Sofia is on her way to achieving complete happiness? "It does not exist," she says. "The closest thing to it is to be with my family and the people that I love." For us, happiness is Sofia in a hot bikini.
A Man Apart: Last time we noticed Vin Diesel, in XXX, he was trying his damnedest not to be your daddy's James Bond. This time out, he's trying his damnedest not to be your daddy's Charles Bronson. This action flick is about a scowling, ripped narc who's hell-bent on destroying the vicious drug baron El Diablo (Timothy Olyphant), who snuffed his wife (Jacqueline Obradors). Watch out when the usual high-adrenaline stakeouts, chases and snarly dialogue get interrupted by a sweet lip-lock between kickass cops Diesel and Larenz Tate. Ha, ha. Just kidding. Word is, the studio is already hatching a sequel for Diesel. Ha, ha. Wish we were kidding.
Sam Rockwell gives a dynamite performance as TV game-show host Chuck Barris in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, which is George Clooney's directorial debut. The film is based on Barris' autobiography, in which he revealed that while pursuing a career in television he was also a paid assassin for the CIA. Confessions is well made and fairly entertaining; Rockwell shares screen time with Drew Barrymore, Julia Roberts and Clooney. But when it's all over, you don't know what it is you've seen--a hallucination or a hoax. Knowing that it was written by Adaptation's Charlie Kaufman is an important clue, but that doesn't make it any easier to assign emotional validity to the movie.
Krista Allen. First Noticed: As Jim Carrey's well-endowed elevator mate in Liar Liar.Currently Onscreen: As a woman who tells off Chuck Barris while swimming in the grotto at the Playboy Mansion in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.How Long Were You Soaking in the Grotto to Film That Scene? "We started shooting about seven at night, and we didn't finish until the sun came up. It was just so cold, I was trying not to chatter while saying my lines. But it kept me on my toes." What Kind of Recognition Did You Get Playing Laying Maitreya on the X Files? "I had no idea of the magnitude of that episode. It was their highest-rated episode ever. Being a part of that whole phenomenon was pretty cool for me." You Even Have your Own Action Figure. "Yes, and I had to do a body scan so they could form me into an action figure. I kept thinking, Can you make that leg a little longer? They said 'No, we have to keep it true to life.' " In Your Next Film, Anger Management, You Work With Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson. "Yes, I play one of the anger-management students. I am a lesbian porn star, and I befriend Adam's character. Being in a room with Nicholson was just wonderful, and the fact that I got to act with him and Adam was so much fun." Do You Get Different Feedback From TV or Movie Work? "Television is what it is for that moment. For the most part, it comes and goes. With film, I still hear things about Liar Liar--'Oh my God, you were the girl in the elevator. I love you!' "
Catch Me If You Can Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks give charismatic performances in this surprisingly dark cat-and-mouse story from Steven Spielberg. It's enjoyable to watch but leaves us empty-handed. [rating]3 bunnies[/rating]
Director Jess Franco cut his teeth on Vampyros Lesbos and Venus in Furs. Two of his subsequent masterpieces--Eugenie: The Story of Her Journey Into Perversion and Marquis de Sade's Justine--are now out on DVD from Blue Underground. Both star Maria Rohm, and that always interesting nut-job Klaus Kinski does a star turn as the good marquis. In this era of movies such as Airtight Granny V, it's a pleasure to return to films that fire up their charms with more restraint.
"My absolute favorite is Orson Welles' F for Fake, which is the most inventive nonfiction film ever made. I also watch Touch of Evil religiously," says director James Toback, whose latest film, Harvard Man, recalls his Ivy League experiences in the Sixties. "I'm also addicted to Marcel Ophüls' Hotel Terminus, the documentary about Klaus Barbie." Not that the director of the cult favorite Fingers doesn't lighten up now and then. "I love Vittorio De Sica's After the Fox, with Peter Sellers and a screenplay by Neil Simon. And I've seen It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World at least 30 times."
Contrary to general assumptions, not every blockbuster automatically gets a sequel. Some of the most successful films of all time have nary a part two in sight. That hasn't stopped us from conjuring up a few improbable follow-ups.
The Polish-born director Krzysztof Kieslowski quit making films at the peak of his game, in 1994 at the age of 52, soon after releasing Red, the third movie in his Three Colors triptych (after Blue and White) and died two years later. Three Colors (Miramax, $20 each) will arrive with lots of background features and interviews. Spending his later years as an expatriate in France, Kieslowski conceived of the films as meditations on the symbolism behind the French tricolor: In Blue (liberty), grieving widow Juliette Binoche seeks liberation from the accidental deaths of her husband and child; White (equality) concerns a dumped Polish husband's scheme to get even with his cruel bride (Julie Delpy); and Red (fraternity) builds brilliantly to a busy and significant intersection of otherwise unrelated lives. Central to Red's considerable charms--it earned Kieslowski Academy Award nominations for best director and original screenplay--is Irène Jacob's turn as Valentine. It was her second movie with Kieslowski, following 199l's celebrated Double Life of Veronique. The newly released first-season DVD collection of MTV's addictively scabrous The Osbournes (Miramax, $30) poses a potent draw, without all the commercial breaks. But who needs unrated and rated editions?
It's no Surprise that the best songs on Johnny Cash's American IV: The Man Comes Around (Lost Highway) are Cash originals--especially the apocalyptic title track. The covers aren't as surprising as other collaborations between Cash and Rick Rubin, and the talents of guest singers Nick Cave and Fiona Apple are shamefully underexploited. But when the 70-year-old sings Nine Inch Nails' lyrics ("Everyone I know/Goes away in the end") they take on a new poignancy.
Pink Goes Blue Department: Pink ran afoul of British TV when she wore the wrong T-shirt on a Saturday morning children's TV show. Somehow the producers didn't notice Pink's you F**Kin' Bitch shirt. Reeling and Rocking: Donovan's presidential election documentary, Last Party 2000, with Philip Seymour Hoffman serving as the guide, will be released this summer.... The UK's Glastonbury Festival is the basis for a play headed to the big screen. Glastonbury the Movie revolves around seven concertgoers, a couple of gate crashers and appearances by New order and UB40.... Jesse Dylan, son of you know who, will direct the next American Pie movie. It's called American Wedding. Look for the usual suspects: Jason Biggs, Eugene Levy and Seann William Scott.... Babyface and wife Tracey Edmonds are among the executive producers of a six-hour HBO miniseries about hip-hop. It will follow the lives of three fictional characters and could lead to a regular show, Newsbreaks: The story of Jann Wenner and Rolling Stone magazine is the subject of a biography by David Weir, who says about Wenner, "He's going to love it, he's going to hate it." ... Blink-182 is in the studio recording its next CD.... R.E.M. is also in the studio working on its 13th CD.
If a fighter can't stand, he can't fight, so sweep the leg in Tao Feng: Fist of the Lotus (by Microsoft, for Xbox). As one of 12 martial artists, you'll square off against opponents in interactive environments. Punch holes in walls, swing around poles or slam enemies and watch the floor tiles crack underfoot. Realistic damage lets you tear the clothes off your opponent's back, pepper him with bruises or pound on a limb until it goes limp. Tao Feng was designed by John Tobias, co-creator of Mortal Kombat, so expect it to be vicious. --Darren Gladstone
The oversize screen on the Flip-Pad Voyager from Xentex ($5000) splits down the middle, which allows you to work on the left and chat on the right. For presentations, rotate the right screen 180 degrees, or hook up a second keyboard and play head-to-head games with a friend. The Voyager is a bit heavier than other laptops, but at least you can share your PC without co-workers sitting in your lap. Unless you want them to.
How many games in the Unreal series can we stomach before it gets unreal? The past few months we have obsessed over Unreal Tournament 2003 and Unreal Championship. Now we've become hooked on Unreal 2: The Awakening (by Infogrames for PC), the official sequel. With 15 weapons and 24 all-new enemies, we might never get sick of bullet-churning firefights and death matches. Here's to addiction! --Jason Buhrmester
Lucky Wander Boy (Plume) by D.B. Weiss is High Fidelity for guys who spend more time playing Atari than they do a turntable. After video game addict Adam Pennyman lands a job with the company that owns film rights to his favorite game, he braves a Hollywood studio machine to track down its creator. Pennyman's obsession with the game's plot--a defenseless hero pursued by gray-suited foes--serves as a metaphor for his foray into the corporate world.
Adult movies don't have to be predictable, featuring wooden actors and the same tired vignettes (housewife meets repairman, anyone?). Digital Playground--founded in 1993 by a self-taught technician named Joone and headed by president Samantha Lewis--produces interactive, erotic Virtual Sex DVDs in which you can single-handedly shape your sexual encounters with the films' stars. "By playing with icons on the screen, you can manipulate the girl," Lewis says. "You can choose her sexual positions, make her talk nasty and strip for you and divulge her most outrageous sexual experiences." With the click of a button you can also change the camera's point of view, pleasure your girl with your hand or a vibrator and give her an orgasm. On Joone's wish list: technology that allows users to change the girls' outfits and hair color. And if that's not real enough, Digital Playground plans to release a hologram machine compatible with the DVDs. "The machine will bring the woman's image right in front of you to make it look like she's giving you oral sex," Lewis says. In an industry that pumps out more than 1200 new sex titles each month, Digital Playground maintains 40 percent of the adult DVD market (it has 13 Virtual Sex titles already wrapped up). One flick Lewis is particularly proud of is Forbidden Tales, which had a budget of nearly $300,000. It features more than 100 special effects and stars Tera patrick (the woman who's wielding the sword at right). "Forbidden Tales was made with gamers in mind," Lewis says. "We're the first company to include such sophisticated special effects. The regular porn audience is used to seeing one gonzo scene after another--they've been blown away by this game. Women are interested in our films because they feature beautiful scenery. We want our viewers to feel as if they're being taken somewhere." Of course you know Tera, a Digital Playground contract girl (a.k.a. regular), from her hosting gig on Playboy TV's Night Calls 411. Another revered Digital Playground contract girl is Devon, star of Devon Stripped. "Devon is adorable and she has one of the most amazing bodies in the adult entertainment industry," says Lewis. "She's f1aw1ess." Enticed yet? You can enjoy Digital Playground offerings such as Devon Stripped and Forbidden Tales every night on Playboy TV's Director's Cut. Says Joone, "We are battling people's incorrect preconceptions about pornograhy."
When Ricki Lake invited five would-be Cyber Girls to her talk show to compete in a Survivor-style beauty pageant, the audience went wild cheering on their favorites. The winner, 23-year-old Canadian Jocelyn Caballero, was crowned Cyber Girl of the Week. We got Jocelyn to answer some questions while she was shooting her pictorial in Chicago.
When I was a boy, my grandmother had a porcelain statue of three monkeys sitting side by side at the base of a tree. The first monkey had his hands over his eyes, the second over his ears, the third over his mouth. It was a representation of the saying "Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil," a message that interested me. I thought such advice could hold the key to a long and happy life (and I am sure it does, for some people).
This past October President Bush delivered a speech in Cleveland outlining the case for invading Iraq. About halfway through the speech, the image on my television screen flickered. Suddenly I was watching Fear Factor, where contestants were trying to remain calm while sticking their heads into bowls of insects. Then, just like that, I was watching Bush again. He continued on about weapons of mass destruction, evil tyrants and terrorists.
September 11 has been the biggest thing to happen to the conspiracy underground since the assassination of JFK. Each September 11 theorist has his own twist on what led to the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, but the common thread is the idea that Afghanistan is the linchpin to controlling the oil and natural gas reserves of Central Asia and the Caspian Sea. As the theory goes, the Bush administration had been planning to invade Afghanistan for months before September 11, and it was the U.S. threat of military action against the Taliban that spurred Bin Laden to launch a preemptive strike. The White House and the CIA had advance knowledge but allowed the attacks to be carried out in order to (1) have an excuse to take over Afghanistan and control its oil route, (2) impose a police state in the U.S. and (3) make billions of dollars in profits by dumping financial and airline stocks in the days before the attack. Here's a look at the ideas of the leading conspiracy theorists:
In 1992 79-year-old Stella Liebeck spilled a cup of McDonald's coffee on her lap, burning herself. A New Mexico jury awarded her $2.9 million in damages (later reduced by a judge). Online, the name Stella has become shorthand for an outrageous or ridiculous lawsuit. One site, StellaAwards.com, honors those who spectacularly misuse the legal system. We asked its creator, Randy Cassingham, to share the stories behind some recent honorees:
It is First Thing in the morning and the smell of cut grass is in the air. Along Rockville Pike, the drone of James "Sonny" Buchanan's Lawn-Boy blends in with the sounds of passing cars. A former landscaper, Buchanan, 39, mows the lawn outside the Fitzgerald Auto Mall as a favor to one of his longtime customers, Dottie Fitzgerald. Every week or so, he makes the five-hour drive from his home in Virginia to suburban Maryland and sleeps in his van to get an early start. The sun already feels warm and strong.
Katrina barillova is a real-life Sydney Bristow, the leggy spy of TV's Alias. When she was 10 years old, Katrina was recruited for intelligence training by the government of what was then Czechoslovakia. At first, she thought she'd just been chosen for accelerated science and math classes. "We had no idea we were caught in a system. At the time we didn't know what we'd been chosen for." At the age of 14, it became clear that her classes weren't leading toward a career as Madame Curie. "Some of us, the ones who fit a profile, were chosen for special intelligence training. And that was in addition to regular high school. The idea was, you were being trained as agents. But agents have to pretend they are somebody else their entire lives. So the idea was that we were regular high school kids. I had to figure out ways to get out of school, to get out of my home. I had to make everyone think I was on a fashion shoot or a biology expedition, while I was secretly in training."
What can I say about her that isn't cliché? She liked to catch glimpses of her eyes in the rearview mirror. She liked to wear dark-blue sweaters and jeans; she wore socks to bed. She thought she would die like her grandfather, of kidney disease and diabetes.
Shawn Woolley was a junkie. The floor of his Wisconsin apartment bore testament: fast-food wrappers, dirty clothes, chicken bones. He rarely answered his phone. He had stopped going to work, instead staying home to play EverQuest, an online role-playing video game. Woolley was an epileptic, and his marathon sessions triggered frequent seizures.
Pennelope Jimenez is nomadic by nature. "I was born in San Diego, but my entire family is from Ensenada," she says. "I lived there for a few years and then moved to Mexico City just before the big earthquake. I lived in Garden Grove, California for three years and then went to junior high and high school in Corona before settling in Huntington Beach." The 24-year-old's ethnic background is just as colorful. "I'm a mutt," she says. "My father's family is Spanish, but they moved to Baja to create a new family. My mom's mom is French, and we think her father is a true Mexican. My dad thinks he has a little Filipino in him, but he's not his dad, so what does my father know? It confuses the hell out of me." One thing is clear: Pennelope is family oriented. "I would drop everything if my family needed me," she says. "I talk to my mom about seven times a day. I would love to have met her grandma because I hear stories from my mother, and she seemed so wise. My great-grandmother's husband had a mistress and one time he bought her some shoes. Instead of bitching him out when she found them, my great-grandmother said, 'Thanks for the shoes,' and wore them around even though they were two sizes too small. She just wanted to keep reminding him that she knew what he did."
IMagine Yourself and the love of your life in line to board a flight. You've cleared security, everything you own has been checked through and you can see your plane out on the tarmac, shining with the promise of your dream destination. Then, as you hand over your boarding pass, you notice a disclaimer: This Airline Crashes And Burns 50 Percent Of The Time. Odds Are You'll Survive The Fear, Screaming And Devastation, But Your Injuries Will Never Heal Completely. Have A Nice Flight.
I have a friend I'll call Steve whose wife surprised him with a divorce after nine years of marriage. Steve coaches his son's sports teams and helps with his homework. When his kid was younger, Stave changed his diapers. He's the kind of father custody evaluators and judges are supposed to see as an equal partner in raising a child after a divorce.
At the age of six, Juliette Lewis was given a part in Clint Eastwood's Bronco Billy. In 1987, she had a leading role in the miniseries Home Fires. At 14, seeking exemption from child labor laws that restricted shooting schedules for minors, she petitioned the court to grant her legal majority. When she was 16 she played Chevy Chase's daughter in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and starred in the television film Too Young to Die. During that shooting she began an affair with older co-star Brad Pitt. At 18, Lewis was working with Robert De Niro in Cape Fear, for which she garnered Academy Award and Golden Globe nominations for best supporting actress.
There seems to be a basic formula to a lot of Latin TV shows: Take a fat guy and add a bunch of sex goddesses in bikinis or microminis. That's one big reason why non-Spanish speakers tune in--blanquitos love the babes. (We turned it on for the World Cup last summer and kept going back when we realized that, before and after the soccer games, the network might as well be called Cup World.) A Spanish television show isn't a Spanish TV show without beautiful women. It's a given. The setups almost seem old-fashioned--think The Price Is Right--except the girls aren't wearing much more than dental floss and postage stamps. Given that an entire hemisphere is watching the powerhouse Latin networks, it's no wonder the numbers are huge. But even if the U.S. audience is separated out, the magnitude of the Latin TV market is surprisingly large. Univision's programming in Los Angeles and Miami often draws more viewers than any of El Norte's big four networks--and its local news programs routinely beat English-language counterparts in New York, where Spanish-language viewership has increased 127 percent in the past three years. And in many U.S. markets, there's a lot to choose from--it's not just Univision and Telemundo anymore. Azteca America has become a third force, and Univision has a youth market-oriented network called TeleFutura. And then there's cable--Galavisión, MTV Espanol, CNN en Español and Fox Sports World Español, among others. All the competition means more beautiful women, less clothing and even more shaking of all those culos bellos.
Just listen to that racket weevil.... you'd think that with all the trouble in this world, those two girls upstairs would find something better to do than go down on each other 24 hours a day.And in prime time, too
Below is a list of retailers and manufacturers you can contact for information on where to find this month's merchandise. To buy the apparel and equipment shown on pages 19-24, 32, 34-36, 45-46, 86-87, 118-123 and 159, check the listings below to find the stores nearest you.
Remote control is for watching TV. Radio control lets you drive, dive, fly, race or go to war in ways most toy models don't. We're talking multichannel radios, high-output engines and suspension systems similar to what's on Detroit and F1 iron. Instructions for the sophisticated playthings we've chosen include those welcome words "no assembly required," except for a few minor fittings. So what if there's still frost on the windows? Winter doesn't faze the Savage 21 off-road truck pictured below. It busts snowdrifts as easily as it hops dunes. Other reasons to treat yourself to RC: You don't need a pit crew, you walk away from crashes, you never get a speeding ticket and you don't die when an opponent blasts you to smithereens.
The Last Score--During the Seventies Stephen Reid and his Stopwatch Gang--Named for their Careful Planning--Committed Hundreds of Crimes Worth Millions of Dollars. In 1999, After Prison Time, a Best Selling Novel and a New Wife, Reid was Strung Out and in Debt, his Final Robbery was a Debacle that Landed him Back in the can. what went Wrong?