What does Santa Claus know about dope? The jolly fat man is used to breaking every customs law on the books. (He flies but never uses airports, smuggles toys across international boundaries, never has the right ID. A real scofflaw!) But this Christmas he got stopped at the Mexican border and they tore his sleigh apart.
In case any readers out there get a chance to chew on some real Bolivian coca leaves, here’s some recent data released by Harvard University on the plant’s nutritional value compared to 50 other Latin American plants: 1. Coca proved to be higher in calories, protein, carbohydrate, fiber, ash, calcium, phosphorous, iron, vitamin A and riboflavin.
Q: It finally happened. My old man scored some “mescaline” that turned out to be PCP. We tooted it for a whole night anyway, and then he saw God (or maybe Satan, he said) and was told not to do PCP anymore. He kept having flashbacks and acting weird all week.
In Minnesota, where much of the population is descended from Scandinavian immigrants, the NFL team is known as the Vikings. In Boston, home of the Irish, the NBA team is called the Celtics. While two of Canada’s principal hockey teams, the Canadiens and the Maple Leafs, embody both national name and national symbol, a third, the Vancouver Canucks, is named for a regional slur.
For most people, Christmas Day means mundane gifts of ties, bathrobes, nightgowns, slippers, et cetera, ad infinitum, and ho-hum imagination. But in the surreal world of celebrities, the out of the ordinary is commonplace. No wonder, then, that their Xmas deserves the ultimate X. Out in L.A., for instance, pop-rock star Alice Cooper caroled that the kinkiest gift he had ever received was “a round double bed from Groucho Marx, with a note that read, ‘I hope you have better luck with it than I did.’
Sometimes when you buy pot you get more than you pay for—strange stuff in your stash. Everything from coconuts to monkey wrenches has turned up in pot sold on the American market, reminders of some distant point on the long, surreptitious journey from field to baggie.
Enjoying magic or movies depends as much on your desire to be fooled as on the skill of the magician or moviemaker. Movies aren’t perfect magic. To have a good time watching the big screen or the teeny tube, your imagination is required; you must pretend you’re really seeing what the images represent instead of a screen and whatever is flashing on it.
Joey Shithead, lead singer of DOA, Vancouver’s answer to the Clash, says, “I wuz framed” for a recent drunk-and-disorderly bust at a Vancouver bar because "the city’s pig officials can’t stand my radical politics.” DOA’s dazzling N.Y. debut at uptown punkatorium Hurrah’s, where Shithead incited a pogo riot by blowing a hoeker of snot from his left nostril, capped an exciting American tour that featured an acclaimed appearance at Chicago’s Rock against Racism festival.
'Quat Spraying to Cease but Genocidal "Done War" Continues
Smugglers Use Tainted Dope in Decoy Ploys
Paraquat Funding Cut
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The federal government is now obliged by law to cut off funds for the spraying of marijuana fields in Mexico with the herbicide paraquat. In 1978, Sen. Charles Percy pressed an amendment through Congress requiring the Department of Health, Education and Welfare (HEW) to assess the health risks to American citizens posed by Mexican paraquat spraying; and the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws won a federal lawsuit that in effect requires the government to suspend in foreign countries any environment-modifying activities that may pose a threat to Americans.
GREENVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA—North Carolinians who just a year ago were on welfare are nowadays pulling down five-figure incomes every month, just by virtue of living on the East Coast’s most ideal smuggling spot. “Pamlico County has more deep-water inlets in the remote areas than any other county in North Carolina,” boasts county sheriff Leland V. Brinson.
SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA—State supreme court justices here recently tightened the California rules governing police entrapment, emphasizing that these rules are “designed primarily to deter impermissible police conduct.” In this, California is virtually alone among the 50 states: Most states allow cops broad powers of entrapment, especially in dope cases like the one reversed by the Sacramento court in this instance.
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA—The local Drug Enforcement Administration “Joint” Task Force was deeply irked when a woman here, charged with heroin dealing, retained attorney Salvatore Cucinotta. It seems agent Steve Hopson wanted the woman as an infiltrating snitch in a dope ring he was investigating, so he dropped by her home to remind her that she could be facing some hard time on her smack rap but that she could get out of it by turning infiltrator-snitch on certain Mob biggies, then fade safely into the federal witness program.
International Thai-Stick Caper Blown by Smugglers’ Guard Dogs
BANDON, OREGON—It was vicious guard dogs and plain bad manners that brought down the infamous bust of 17,000 pounds of Thai sticks here last year, after a globe-girdling dope deal like something out of an all-star Hollywood flick. Though the brain trust behind the deal deftly controlled developments in Europe, Southeast Asia and across the Pacific, they were downright unneighborly to the folks hereabouts, to the point of unleashing their German shepherds upon visitors.
An international conference on coca will take place in Quito, Ecuador, on December 3, 4 and 5,1979. The conference, sponsored by the Harvard Botanical Museum and the Casa de la Cultura of Quito, will bring together a number of scientists from Europe, North America and South America who have studied the botany, chemistry, pharmacology and clinical effects of the leaf.
NEW YORK CITY—Since phencyclidine—PCP, angel dust, D, et al.—is being increasingly peddled on the street and proffered at parties as coke, THC, MDA or whatever, a lot of people are discovering themselves in a state of intoxication that many find very disagreeable or downright terrifying.
Frosh Doping Drops, but Pot's Still Tops on Campus
PALO ALTO, CALIFORNIA—A Gallup poll reports that this year, for the first time in several years, the number of college freshmen who are dope virgins has risen. The use of grass by the general student population continued its steady climb, however, with a greater percentage of college kids currently smoking pot than ever before.
HERSHEY, PENNSYLVANIA—Doctors here have been told by several multiple sclerosis patients that marijuana smoking helps reduce their muscle spasms and the docs are very cautiously investigating the idea. “Several of our multiple sclerosis patients said that smoking marijuana improved their spasticity,” says Dr. Carl Ellenberger, a neurologist at Pennsylvania State Medical Center; so he set up a double-blind clinical study with Dr. Dennis Petro of the Food and Drug Administration, which supplied pure synthetic delta-9 THC for the purpose.
Cops Block Smuggler Strip, Killing Two in Fiery Crash
A pilot, copilot and approximately 1,500 pounds of pot were wasted in an orange grove near Arcadia, Florida, by De Soto County sheriff’s deputies, after the cops blocked an airstrip so that the gas-starved pot plane carrying them couldn’t land.
“I knew it had to be some kind of dope or something,” affirmed a florist in Minneapolis, North Carolina, who discovered four pounds of absolutely pure cocaine in a box of baby’s breath imported from Florida. “The first thing I thought of,” he revealed later, “was that I wanted that out of here.”
Now hold thy cup of wassail high (Spiked with Merck, or coke au vin), Torch a sprig of Christmas Thai And suck some Yuletide spirit in. But of thy tree, deal but a bough, Keep no bulk shipments near thy house: The way the feds are cooking now They'd set up Good King Wenceslaus.
A dope speculator in Chattanooga, Tennessee, recently contracted for a consignment of Mex at $125 a pound—over a 50,000-watt commercial radio transmitter. About 20 seconds of the deal somehow went out over the air, in the middle of the 1:00 P.M. news, on Atlanta’s WSB, an NBC affiliate.
Orlando Cepeda is back in baseball, after doing nine months of a five-year rap for moving 160 pounds of smoke from Puerto Rico to Miami in 1976. After a stint on work release in Philadelphia—at a beer company, no less —the legendary 375-homer hitter wrote to Commissioner Bowie Kuhn and scored a training gig with the Reading Phillies, Philadelphia’s class-AA farm team.
Nevada Becomes 12th State to Approve Medical Marijuana
Nevada has become the 12th state to pass a bill allowing the use of marijuana for cancer chemotherapy and to alleviate glaucoma. The Carson City legislators emphasized that “only several hundred” people will be permitted to use grass in the preliminary research program.
End-of-harvest figures show California sinsemillas having their best year yet, following a national pattern of flourishing homegrown. The Mexican harvest is also up, in part because of dislocations in the Colombian market occasioned by the end of the "mother ship" scam and intensified dope war.
An outrageous Xmas interview with the Texas Jewboy that is guaranteed to offend everyone
Right now, the hottest nightclub phenom in New York is a mossy-haired Hebe from the heart of Texas who alternates poignant state-of-the-culture anthems with broad parodies like "Asshole from El Paso” and who, between songs, manages to offend every conceivable ethnic and racial affiliation.
When the 9:15 bell didn't go off on time, Mr. VanLaan explained to his seventh-grade math class at Highland Junior High that the school had a surprise for them, so they would have to stay in first period a little longer than usual. This didn't bother Heather, who continued to doodle hoping that she and her classmates were getting the rest of the day off.
Nixon appointed more Supreme Court justices than any American president since FDR. At the opening gavel of the 1971 judicial term, four of the nine were Nixon appointees: Chief Justice Warren Burger and Associate Justices Harry Blackmun, Lewis Powell and William Rehnquist.
The International Year of the Child has seen young people organizing around a host of human-rights issues. If your school or community is lagging behind in needed social reforms, organize a group with specific grievances and goals, and start your own newspaper to spread the word.
In America, every second, every tick of the clock, more than 600 people drop a coin into a jukebox and punch out the numbers for the singles of their choice, 44 million spins a day. Half a million jukes make more than half a billion dollars every year.
This year, as usual, you’re going to get a lot of reminders on the subject of the Real Meaning of Christmas. And, as usual, these reminders will just be reminders. They will say, “And don’t forget the Real Meaning of Christmas.” They won’t remind you what the Real Meaning is, they’ll just remind you to remember it.
There are a lot of beautiful views in Manhattan, but few are more imposing than that from the Cloisters, where, standing in a 15th-century archway transported from Italy, one can gaze across the Hudson River and see the primeval palisades where monolithic condominiums rise in the sky: steel towers that on a clear day scream, “You’ve had it, Gothic personalities.”
Meet the Huichol. The Huichol have been doing this from time out of mind, and here is some of their art. Time out of mind. In some of these yarn-images you will observe representations of the conquistadores of Coronado, who came among the Huichol 400 years ago and are still sung of in Huichol village myths.
You can travel the world over, but it will be hard to find marijuana that surpasses the Hawaiian High. The best in the world—and it grows right here in the USA. It might be a long flight, friend, but it’s a domestic flight. Like from Cleveland to Detroit.
On screen he was Captain Blood, Robin Hood, the Sea Hawk and Don Juan. His name changed through 45 Hollywood films, but Errol Flynn always portrayed the amorous adventurer: pirate, smuggler, revolutionary, expert swordsman, reckless lover.
Your stockings are all hung by the chillum with care, Saint Nick is snow-blind but soon will be there. Yes, it’s the time once again for festive get-togethers and gift giving, and one of the nicest ways to say “thanks for fronting me stash all year” is to throw an authentic Christmas feast.
There you have it—proof positive that comic books lead to stronger stuff (as anyone who ever rolled and smoked an issue of Howard the Duck will attest). At least that's the opinion of the infamous Dr. Wertham— the Joker, Red Skull, Lex Luthor and Dr. Doom of the "real" comic-book world.
Con Dogherty of the Drug Enforcement Administration’s public-information office is, I do believe, guilty of failing to report a misdemeanor, which is a misdemeanor in itself. "It’s gorgeous!" I was squawking to him over the phone last April.
The T-shirt, along with jazz, shopping centers and the Edsel, is a basic American form of artistic expression. In recent years, the plain white T-shirt has been transformed from its status as standard “biker/greaser” uniform to a multimillion-dollar fashion industry.
ALASKA—The Yukon was very possibly the most pleasant area on this planet during the last Ice Age. University of Washington geologist Lee Porter, excavating animal fossils from Yukon rock strata dating to around 30,000 B.C., has turned up abundant remains of lions, bison, musk oxen and eohippus protohorses (which were about the size of a Saint Bernard).
CRISFIELD, MARYLAND—Homes all along the eastern coast of the United States could maintain steady indoor temperatures up to 80° F., according to the U.S. Department of Energy, simply by tapping the earth’s own nuclear-power facility: geothermal radiation, which heats rocks to 80° at a depth of 1,000 feet all along the Atlantic Coastal Plain.
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA—Kids take note: When the draft is reinstated, probably by 1982, every male between the ages of 18 and 21 will be required to sign up at local fire stations, armories, schools and colleges. Under the old system, discontinued in 1974, kids routinely signed up with the county clerk when they reached their 18th birthdays; but the Selective Service (S.S.) has plans to launch the new draft with a massive nationwide registration campaign, mobilizing youths for forced signups over a two- or three-day period.
OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON—The world’s first official landing strip for extraterrestrial spacecraft has been open for over a year (see “Highwitness News," October ’78) but so far there have been no official touchdowns. Futurist Walter Aho, whose New Age Foundation outfitted the 14-acre Mount Ranier landing site with lights and beacon, is now convinced that the UFOs are simply afraid to make open contact with humans, and has set out to literally coax them down.
PALESTINE, TEXAS—The ozone layer doesn’t seem to be falling apart, as had been predicted, from the effects of aerosol-released fluorocarbons. After what was expected to be the critical test for evidence of ozone depletion, researchers at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory here were perplexed to find that things weren’t deteriorating as expected.
North Country "Cellar Dwellers" Now Ecological Avant-Garde
Stiff Pistol Law Cuts Homicides by Half
HOGANSBURG, NEW YORK—People who have been living in the ground here for the last 20 years—in a part of the country that records winter temperatures approaching 40° below zero—may have prompted a new architectural fillip in the continual search for energy-saving home-construction schemes.
U.S. Poisons Poor Nations with Banned “Pesticide Plagues”
BOGOTÁ, COLOMBIA—The aerial spraying of U.S.-manufactured pesticides in this country has poisoned thousands of countryfolk, killed thousands of cattle, and forced mass migrations of whole peasant communities, a government study has shown.
HAVANA, CUBA—A vicious blue mold has put a damper on Cuba’s prime prestige export —Havana cigars—for at least this year’s harvest. The new mold blighted so much of last year’s tobacco crop that Cubans themselves are being allowed only one cigar per week.
Gringo “Linguists” Teach Indians That Old-Time Religion
LOMALINDA, COLOMBIA—The foothills of the Andes drop away abruptly here, affording a view hundreds of miles south over the rolling green savannah and jungle-fringed rivers that flow a thousand unexplored miles away, into the Amazon of Brazil.
3,500-Year-Old Earthwork Revamps Britain’s Bronze Age
NORTHAMPTON, ENGLAND—Archaeologist Jim Pickering has uncovered a full-fledged mystery that disturbs modern historians more than all the notions of Erich von Daniken put together. For years, Pickering has specialized in aerial observation of British archaeological sites, photographing Bronze Age monuments like Stonehenge and Avebury from the air.
BLACKPOOL, ENGLAND—Uptight residents in this crime-plagued industrial suburb are taking to arms, even if they are only fake weapons. Strict firearms-control legislation still keeps real handguns out of the reach of most Britons, but the trade in exact-replica dummy pistols is booming.
BREDA, THE NETHERLANDS—Europe, by the turn of the century, may qualify as an underdeveloped global backwater area, observes the European Committee for Research and Development. The declining Continental birthrate will reduce Europeans to only 5 percent of the world’s population by the year 2000 (it was 20 percent in 1800), and an observed decline in the rate of technological progress here over the last ten years will, if it continues, give the United States and Japan a decided edge in industry and commerce.
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—Investors in Swiss banks should be aware that their much-prized secrecy arrangements are currently under stiff attack in both the legislature and the courts here. Last year several top banking officials went to jail as the result of an $800-million currency swindle and enough big investors were ripped off in the course of the scam that they now want the whole numbered-account system to be trashed.
HANOVER, WEST GERMANY—The world’s first commercial hovertrain is tentatively scheduled to go into operation at the Hanover Fair here next year. Hovertrains gain tremendous speed with absolutely no vibration or friction, gliding three-quarters of an inch above magnetically charged rails.
ALMA-ATA, KAZAKH SSR—Minority Muslim nomads of the Uighur nation have been cut off from the daily propaganda broadcasts of America’s Radio Liberty, evidently as a concession to China. Uighur-language editors and broadcasters for the American radio network, with ultrapowerful transmitters in West Germany, Spain and Portugal, heatedly protested the suspension of Uighur broadcasts, calling it a “decisive blow” against the oppressed Muslim community subsisting precariously in this desiccated mountain region.
NAIROBI, KENYA—Basic women’s rights are probably inevitable in this swiftly industrializing East African nation, but an animated debate currently raging in the parliament here shows that traditional male supremacists aren’t giving up without a fight.
PEKING, CHINA—The Peking Daily has shaken the faith of untold millions of its readers, both here and around the world, by revealing that untruths may have been published in its pages from time to time. Specifically, the Daily’s editors now admit that a continuing series of glowing reports last year from the construction site of a major irrigation project in far-northern Heilungkiang Province was all just—to be candid—propaganda.
Thor Heyerdahl, the famed scientist and explorer who has sailed the world’s oceans in balsa rafts and papyrus boats, believes that modern man’s perception of the sea is often as primitive as the reed ship. "We think we are still on a flat earth," he says.
Pharaoh Ramses II, who ruled Egypt between 1292 and 1225 B.C., erected the enormous statues and temple complex at Karnak and is widely credited with allowing (or possibly compelling) the migration of the Israelites under Moses into the Sinai.
NEW YORK CITY—Thanks to recent relaxations in federal regulations, terminal cancer patients and other victims of intractable pain are increasingly being treated with methadone at the Sloan-Kettering Institute here and in other hospitals•around the country.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA—Spying on people with binoculars is as legally unacceptable as spying on them with bugs and phone taps, the California Court of Appeals for the Second District has ruled in a smut case. Cops investigating an alleged porn-film ring here conducted a ten-day surveillance of the Playboy Building downtown.
“If it ain’t Stiff, it ain’t worth a fuck” is the slogan of England’s Stiff Records, the up-and-coming bad boy of the music industry. If you’re too pooped to punk, too downed-out for disco and too light-headed for heavy metal, then the breezy bouncy sexy groovy wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am Stiff style of rock ’n’ roll is for you.
Flesh and Fantasy is a coffee-table book that not only documents all your favorite box-office bustlines—Jane Russell, Jayne Mansfield, Jane Fonda, Sophia, Gina, Raquel, Liz and Annette—but discloses the never-before-revealed back-lot secrets of those same bazooms.
Never underestimate the craftsmanship of the American doper. From lala land in sunny southern California comes the Head Pipe, a detailed miniature bathroom screwed on the end of a water pipe. You fill the tub with cool water, rum or other favorite water-pipe filler, stuff the toilet bowl full of your best "shit" and fire away. The smoke goes down the drain, through the tub and into your lungs. A great conversation piece or party joke, this one has to be seen to be believed. Two different models are available. The $35 special is made of highly polished copper tubes connected to clear acrylic pipes. The porcelain bowl, tub and sink are all removable for easy cleaning. The $100 deluxe model has an all-copper base and a working shower. Both models include a secret coke stash in the top of the toilet tank and a flush chain that is really a snorting spoon. Order from Whaling Enterprises, Inc., 25655 Pacific Coast Highway, Malibu, Ca. 90265.
Whaling Enterprises, Inc.
Mirafirm Stash Pillows are one way to keep your stash handy in the sack for those all-night, horizontal recreation marathons. The plush pillows come in red, green, rust, black, brown and blue. Each includes a five-inch mirror for mellow snorting or just admiring your bedside manner, and a secret pocket tucked away inside where you can store a handful of your favorite herb or a couple ounces of coke. The price is $23.95 plus $1 postage and handling from Mirafirm, 907 Vernal Way, Mill Valley, Ca. 94941.
Whaling Enterprises, Inc.
THE ELECTRIC PIPE
The 12 Gauge Electric Pipe is the ultimate in laid-back smoking convenience. Just load the top of this hand-held, battery-powered, portable shotgun, plug yourself into the brass outlet valve, press the button and presto, automated stone. The pipe takes all the work out of getting high, and the multiple hose setup is great for parties. The 12 Gauge Electric Pipe is $19.95 and can be ordered from The Electric Pipe Company, P.O. Box 2862, Newport Beach, Ca. 92663.
Whaling Enterprises, Inc.
Nothing to do on these long, snowy winter nights and endless frozen afternoons? Get stoned and play one of these new-age table games. As many as six players can play the Narc Game. The idea is simple. Whoever reaches home safely with the most “Narc Bucks” and drugs is the winner. Meanwhile, players can wheel and deal grass, coke and speed. That is, unless they land on "Bummertime" and enter the criminal-justice system. Unfortunate dealers who wind up there pick from prosecution cards that read "Sales—marijuana 1-lb. If guilty must serve one lost turn,” or "Sales—LSD and MDA. If guilty must wait 3 turns in Fed City.” But if you’re lucky you may pull a “Free Bail” or "Fink ... turn state’s evidence” card. Here are all the wild characters and scenes of the dope world: "The Middleman,” "The Judge,” "Fed City.” The Narc Game is great for all heads and sells for $12.95, shipped COD from The Narc Game, P.O. Box 98289, Atlanta, Ga. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Players of the Record Biz Game chase each other around the board, seeing who can accumulate the most wealth and power in any one of the following categories: rock musician, jazz musician, comedian or personal manager. Play your way up the ladder of success from the small clubs to the big time, win recording contracts, buy influential friends three-martini lunches, go schmoozing with record-company execs, but watch out for the “Absent Men” who can take 10 percent of your holdings. Draw cards from stacks marked “Fate,” “Connections” and “Klout.” Players who go broke are, of course, out of the game; the first with a million in cash or favors wins. The Record Biz Game is $14.95 plus $1.50 postage and handling. Order from GVH Marketing, c/o Last Gasp Publishing, 2180 Bryant Street, San Francisco, Ca. 94110.