I've been ravished by a lawyer," the woman told the desk sergeant.
"What's his name?" the cop asked.
"I don't know," she replied.
"Where does he work?"
"I don't know."
"Have you ever encountered this man before today?"
"No, I haven't."
"Ma'am," the baffled cop said, "then how do you know he's a lawyer?"
"Because he wore an expensive three-piece suit, drove a German sedan, had a leather briefcase and," she emphasized, "I had to do 50 percent of the work!"
A British taxidermist was sweating his way through the Australian outback when he finally came across a tavern. He staggered in past the lager-swilling locals and asked the bartender, "May I trouble you for a gin and tonic, my good man?"
"Geez, cobbers," one of the locals said to his mates, "what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?" Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes, you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic? Are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?"
"Well, actually," the Englishman replied, "I'm a taxidermist."
"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist?"
"Well, I mount dead animals."
"It's all right, cobbers," the local bellowed. "He's one of us!"
A newlywed asked her husband if he would like dinner. "That would be great!" he said. "What are my choices?" "Yes or no."
This month's most frequent submission: One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God, so they picked one scientist to go tell him. "God," the appointee said, "we've decided we no longer need you. We can cure diseases, clone people and create life, so why don't you just go on your way."
God listened patiently to the man, then said, "Very well. But first let's have a man-making contest, doing it just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
"Sure, no problem," the scientist said, bending down to scoop up a handful of dirt.
"No, no, no," God admonished. "Get your own dirt."
Playboy classic: A mortician was working late one night preparing bodies for burial. As he examined the body of a Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery: The man had the longest penis he had ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," the mortician said, "but this has to be saved for posterity." The mortician detached the dead man's schlong, stuffed it into a briefcase and took it home. "Honey," he said to his wife as he reached in to recover his prize, "I have something to show you that you won't believe."
"Oh my God," she screamed as it came into view. "Schwartz is dead!"
How can you spot a WASP household? The TV Guide is in hardcover.
While visiting Paris, a wealthy businessman wanted to learn something about real life in the city, so he took the subway everywhere. One day he saw a strikingly beautiful girl get off at his stop. The man was so smitten, he approached her.
"Excuse me, mademoiselle," he said. "If you let me kiss you, I will give you $1000."
She thought for a moment and agreed. The man took her face in his hands and kissed her. Handing her the $1000, he said, "If you let me touch your breasts, I will give you $2000."
She thought it over and agreed again. He touched her breasts and paid her. Then, gathering all his courage, he said, "Mademoiselle, I want to make love with you. How much would I have to pay?"
"Fifty francs---just like everybody else."
Why did the blonde press *, 0 and # on the touch-tone phone? She wanted instructions on playing tic-tac-toe.
An older couple was playing in their country club's annual golf championship. On the playoff hole the wife had to make a six-inch putt to win. She took her stance, putted and missed.
On the way home in the car her husband was fuming. "I can't believe you missed that putt! It was no longer than my willy."
"Yes, dear," she said sweetly, "but it was much harder!"
Send your jokes on postcards to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, 680 North Lake Shore Drive, Chicago, Illinois 60611, or by e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org. $100 will be paid to the contributor whose submission is selected. Sorry, jokes cannot be returned.