As fierce winds swirled down the city streets, a policeman noticed an elderly woman standing on a corner holding tightly to her hat as her skirt blew up to her waist. "Look, lady," he said, "while you're holding on to your precious hat, everybody's getting a good look at everything you have."
"Listen, sonny," she replied, "what they're looking at is eighty years old. But this hat is brand-new."
Rumor has it that the American Kennel Club's latest newsletter reports the development of a new breed of dog, half pit bull and half collie. After it rips your arm off, it runs for help.
While browsing through the Sunday newspaper, a man saw an ad from a used-car dealer offering a car--plus a blonde--for only $850. He hurried down to the lot the next morning and, after confirming the details of the deal with the manager, bought the car. As he was ready to go, the manager whistled and a tall, gorgeous woman came out of the office and climbed into the car.
The man drove off and parked a few blocks away. "How about a kiss?" he asked.
"Sure," she replied, "that's part of the deal."
He drove off again but stopped a few minutes later, smiled sheepishly and said, "How about a little squeeze?"
"Sure," the blonde said amicably, "that's part of the deal."
Feeling deliriously lucky, the man leaned over and whispered something in her ear.
"Oh, no," she cried. "You got that when you bought the car."
What do Dan Quayle and junk bonds have in common? Lack of principal, lack of interest and lack of maturity.
A man with an ingrown toenail went to the doctor. In the examination room, the nurse told him to disrobe.
"For an ingrown toenail?" the incredulous patient asked.
"It's our policy that everyone coming in must remove all his clothes," the nurse replied.
The fellow unbuttoned his shirt. "The most ridiculous thing I ever heard of," he muttered.
Just then, he heard a man's voice from the room next door. "If you think that's ridiculous, I just came here to repair the telephone."
O'Gallagher had just sat down in the confessional when Father O'Hara said, "Go home, O'Gallagher, you're drunk."
"Got to confess, Father," he said stubbornly.
"O'Gallagher, beat it. You're drunk."
"Got to confess."
"Did ya commit murder?" the priest asked softly.
With that, O'Gallagher got up, left the confessional and headed out the church. On the steps, he met a friend. "Did ya commit murder, O'Toole?"
"Me? Of course not!" said the flabbergasted O'Toole.
"No sense going in there, then. He's only hearing murder cases tonight."
What do Roseanne Barr and an ocean liner have in common? It takes three tugs to get them out of their slips.
A couple of panhandlers met on the street after an especially tiring and unrewarding day. "To look at me now," one said, "you'd never believe that I once lived the life of Riley: winters in the sun, summers on the Riviera, fine cars, the best clothes, beautiful women, extraordinary cuisine."
"Well," the other asked, "what happened?"
"Riley reported his credit cards missing."
What three words heard on a golf course are never spoken in a whorehouse? "Bite, you cock-sucker!"
A young man from an orthodox Jewish family took a trip out West, where he met, fell in love with and married a beautiful young Navaho woman. His parents disowned him.
A year later, the fellow called home to announce that he and his wife had had a baby. "He's a beautiful, healthy boy. And, Dad," the new poppa added, "we gave him a fine Jewish name."
"What'd you call him?"
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