All the safe-sex books recommend mutual masturbation as an effective alternative to intercourse. Unfortunately, my girlfriend finds touching me with her hands to be rather boring. Any hints on how to make it more interesting?—W. F., San Diego, California.
Tom Carey deals with this problem in "The Modern Guide to Sexual Etiquette for Proper Gentlemen and Ladies": "I think it's time we paid some attention to the manual stimulation of the male parts, as well as the female. This can be a distasteful chore for many women at first; but, like milking a cow, once you get the hang of it, it can be lots of fun. Make it a game. Hang targets on the wall. Try for new distance records." Sounds neat, hey? Maybe you could set up a conveyer belt of ducks to move across the headboard of your bed. Carey also recommends mutual masturbation: "Here's what I want you all to do. Sit naked on your beds facing each other. Now, when I say go, I want you all to watch each other masturbate. Ready.... Go. And no fair cheating. Girls, if you usually use a vibrator the size of a table leg, plug it in. Guys, if you normally drive carpet tacks into your nipples, then do that, too. All good sex books recommend, mutual masturbation. It'll help you better understand all the disgusting things your partner wants you to do."
I'm writing for your advice on giving a bachelor party. My closest friend is getting married in August, and I'm in charge of his last night out with the guys. He lives with his fiancée just outside Manhattan, and I would like to organize something in the city, since his place isn't an option. I've thought about the traditional party favors; a stripper might be an idea (where do you find one, though?), while a prostitute is definitely out. I'm sure a lot of drinking and smoking will take place; and since the guests (14 of us) will be coming to the party from many directions, I'm sure we would have a much better time if no one had to worry about driving later that night. Unfortunately, I'm still a student and won't be able to spend more than $50 or $60 for the evening. However, 13 guys spending the same amount should be able to throw a good party even in Manhattan, shouldn't they? What do you think?—A. K. B., Wilmington, Delaware.
Bachelor parties are very much a matter of individual taste these days. We think they should reflect the interests and preferences of the groom-to-be. Since you're the groom's closest friend, you should know what type of evening would be most appropriate and most enjoyable for him. If a quiet dinner out followed by some social drinking at a neighborhood bar fills the bill, so be it. You can always consult your local Yellow Pages for sources of singing telegrams or strip-o-grams. We agree that a prostitute would be a poor choice—not to mention dangerous and illegal. So, for that matter, would be an evening that resulted in the tattooing of certain private parts. If your budget is as limited as you claim, there's certainly no harm in asking the other invited guests to chip in. The only real limitation should be your imagination. And if you're really stumped, it might not be a bad idea to ask the groom himself about his preferences for the evening. We think the idea of a bachelor party as one last wild night out with the boys is a bit passé—but if that's what the groom wants, do the best you can within the limitations of a budget to accommodate his wishes. Have fun. Practice safe sex. Appoint a designated driver.
Please give the formula for determining the size of the erect male sex organ by the size of his hand. Bending the middle finger down to the heel of the hand will indicate the length, but what about the diameter? My friends and I are having a debate over the ratio of length to thickness.—L. R. P., Scottsdale, Arizona.
Here's how you use your hands to determine penis size: Take both hands and hold a tape measure along the side of your penis. That's it. Old wives' tales to the contrary, the size of a man's erect penis has no connection whatsoever with the size of his feet, his hands or even his flaccid penis.
I am an avid tennis player, playing up to six times per week, and have a problem with my strings' breaking. I use a borongraphite racket with synthetic strings. The ones I am now using cost around ten dollars, and I can't afford new ones every two weeks. The center vertical string always breaks. I hit with a lot of top spin and the strings move around quite a bit. Is there anything I can do to correct this? I know that my local pro (who also happens to be my racket stringer) won't like your solution, but my checkbook will.—B. R., Bowling Green, Kentucky.
You don't mention where the string breaks. If yours breaks in the middle, tough luck. Play less tennis or take up golf. This is normal wear, given your playing style. If your string breaks near the edge, there may be some hope. Perhaps there's a grommet that is cutting into it. Another explanation may be that the top of your racket is worn down, causing that particular string to become more prominent and more easily damaged. This results from your scraping your racket on the court, as occurs when players attempt to pick up the balls from the court with their rackets. If you have this bad habit, it is one that you should break—for the good of your racket, strings and pocketbook.
With condoms the new rage, I have an etiquette question. How long after the peak of ecstasy does our protective friend depart from the scene? Not from the penis—from the bedroom. Is there a proper setting prior to the final exit? Discarding a condom certainly adds a problem of logistics to a usually quiet time. I'd like to know if the procedure could be handled more smoothly.—G. M., Dallas, Texas.
First, let's go over the basics. Remove the condom while the penis is still erect. If you wait until you lose your erection, it can slip off, causing leakage. What you do with a used condom is a matter of style. We've heard of one guy who kept used condoms in a scrapbook, like pressed prom flowers. You could tie yours in a knot and play basketball with the bedroom wastebasket. Or just put it on a plate or towel on the bedside table. Enjoy the quiet time and leave house cleaning for later.
I have a question about audio and video equipment. Can Freon TF be used to clean the audio heads of my cassette deck and of my VCR? If not, what is the best method?—D. H., St. Louis, Missouri.
Freon TF may be used to clean the audio and video heads of your equipment. It is not popular because it evaporates very rapidly. A 90 percent isopropyl-alcohol solution is more widely used for head cleaning. One note of caution: Regardless of the solution used, cotton swabs should be avoided, as they can shed fibers that may clog the video heads. A better device is a cleaner with a chamois tip. Due to the delicate nature of video heads, cleaning should be done only when necessary and always by a qualified video technician. The moderate charge of a professional cleaning will be a lot lower than the cost of repairing damage resulting from improper cleaning.
A few years ago, while I was researching some ancient Taoist texts at a famous library in England, I came across a few volumes of the Tao of Sex. In one written during the Tang dynasty (618-907 A.D.), I found the sexual technique called the Hovering Butterfly. In this technique, the man lies on his back, with both legs opened but drawn toward his chest. The woman sits astride him with the penis inserted. Once the penis is firmly entrenched, the man clamps his legs on the woman's waist. Then she moves up and down, which causes his legs to move in such a way as to resemble the flapping and hovering butterfly. (In this position, the woman can also lean forward and the man can suck her breasts at will.) The woman has to be quite agile. She should have good vaginal-muscle control. She has to use her vaginal muscles to milk the penis to get the man to ejaculate, because in this position, he cannot penetrate too deeply with ease. A woman who can master vaginal control is the ultimate coitus queen and is worth more than gold. The best way to utilize this technique is to alternate letting the woman ride up and down for a while with letting her sit still but use her vaginal-muscle control. The last piece of advice is that the couple should take care while the woman is moving, for the penis may easily slip out if its penetration is not deep enough.—T. H., Copenhagen, Denmark.
Thanks for the tip.
Some of my health-conscious friends have taken to moderation in a big way. Now, when I have someone over for dinner or lunch, we seldom finish the last bottle of wine. Are there any approved methods for storing half-empty bottles?— J. R., Chicago, Illinois.
Restaurants that serve wine by the glass have a similar problem. They solve it by using commercial machines that reseal the bottles after substituting nitrogen for the oxygen in the half-empty containers. Cruvinet has come out with single-bottle nitrogen systems. Vacu-Vin sells a rubber stopper with a built-in pump that removes the air from the bottle before sealing. A good wine shop should be able to provide help.
I'd like to share an unusual practice with you and your readers. When I become erect, my penis stands up at a 45-degree angle and elongates considerably. This causes the skin around the base to stretch taut. When this happens, if I apply light pressure to the underside of the scrotum, my testicles pop up into what seems to be a hollow cavity inside my body, on either side of the base of my penis. They will remain there until the erection softens. Normally, this lasts only a few minutes; but the only time I ever timed this phenomenon, they stayed up inside me for nearly 21 minutes. The sensation is just the opposite of what you're probably thinking. It's actually amazingly comfortable. Without anything hanging down, I'm completely smooth under my fully erect penis, and under the crotch, there's no pain whatsoever. In fact, without any outdoor plumbing dangling in the breeze, there's nothing delicate to have to watch out for or be careful of. This means that both I and my ladyfriend can be more rambunctious than usual. She doesn't have to be careful of hurting me, because there's nothing there that can be hurt. And when I come this way, it seems to be more intense than the usual way. Because I can do this only when fully erect, it's not something I do a lot; it's just interesting from time to time.
Here's why I'm writing to the Advisor. I've never heard of another man's being able to do anything like this. How common is this ability?—S. T., Vancouver, British Columbia.
We've heard of this practice. Supposedly, Japanese wrestlers train themselves to hide (and protect) the family jewels in just such a manner. It saves a lot of yen on jockstraps and cups. So relax and enjoy your increased aerodynamic efficiency.
Recently, I decided to get some fog lamps for my 1986 Prelude Si, but I have a few questions. Why are the majority of the fog lamps on the market equipped with amber lenses? Are they really preferable to clear lenses when it comes to illumination in fog, rain, snow, etc.? And since I am planning to use them for more than just foul-weather lighting, would you suggest that I consider looking at those with clear lenses rather than amber?—J. Y., Upton, Massachusetts.
The amber lenses cut through fog much better than clear lenses do: Using a clear-lens lamp in fog is equivalent to using your brights. As you know, using your bright lights in fog only decreases visibility. Amber lamps are available in various models and types and cost from $15 to $70.
I am a 31-year-old female, happily married to the same wonderful guy for just over ten years. We have a very enjoyable sex life; however, there is one small problem. We both enjoy various positions and especially oral sex. I really enjoy sucking my husband's penis, because he gets really excited, and I would like to be able to suck him off to a climax; but for some reason, I am afraid to do so. I don't know why—perhaps because of the taste. I know he would like me to do so—he has said so—but, being a sensitive and understanding guy, he warns me of his coming ejaculation to allow me to quit sucking in time. I either finish him off with my hand or quickly change positions and put his penis between my adequate breasts to finish the job. I, and probably thousands of women with the same hang-up, would certainly appreciate any advice you can offer in helping us overcome this problem. It would also make our men more satisfied with the oral sex we enjoy so much. Is there a simple solution or answer?—Mrs. W. H., Columbus, Ohio.
Ask yourself whether it is the taste of semen that worries you or the smell and feel of it. Remind yourself that sex is messy; that's part of its charm. If taste is your concern, the next time your husband comes in your hand or on your breasts, put a finger in and sample it. If the problem is feel and smell, maybe a dozen raw oysters will prepare you for the consistency and scent of semen. If you are worried about volume, try oral sex for the second or third orgasm, when there is less ejaculate. Since you clearly enjoy sex and want to please your husband, we suspect that you'll find a way to work this out. Good luck.
My girlfriend is still a virgin. She would like to engage in making love but is afraid she could become pregnant even if we were to use a condom. She wants to go on the pill, but I am against that because of information about the negative effects it can have on a girl. Please tell me what to do.—C. K., Tullahoma, Tennessee.
Birth-control pills are still considered the best form of contraception for women under the age of 40 who don't smoke. The benefits far outweigh the infrequent drawbacks. You should talk with your family physician or your girlfriend should talk with her gynecologist to determine what methods of birth control might work best for the two of you. In the meantime, experiment with oral and manual sex—i.e., sex without penetration. Making love includes more than intercourse.
Ever since my girlfriend and I saw Fatal Attraction, we have been arguing about extramarital affairs. While a one-night stand with a stranger may have its dramatic value, how many spouses actually take up with mysterious lovers?—B. M., Atlanta, Georgia.
Frederick Humphrey, of the University of Connecticut, studied 179 couples undergoing marital therapy. He found that husbands were involved in one or more affairs an average of 29 months; wives, 21 months. Men were more likely (20 percent) to take up with strangers than were women (eight percent). For all the scare stories associating affairs with AIDS—or, in the case of "Fatal Attraction," with homicidal maniacs—it seems that people are still having them the old-fashioned way: with people they have known for a while.
All reasonable questions—from fashion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating problems, taste and etiquette—will be personally answered if the writer includes a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The most provocative, pertinent queries will be presented on these pages each month.