When I drink, everybody drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted, "When I take another drink, everybody takes another drink." The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
As soon as he downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping three dollars onto the bar, "everybody pays!"
Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, "what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
"Well, son," his father replied, "I guess you could say I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
Morris had been down on his luck for months and, though not a devoutly religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery just once?"
The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. I just want to win one little lottery."
As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a lottery ticket!"
After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in a back entrance, he knocked on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than four hours ago!"
Rumor has it that the descendants of the Elephant Man have offered $10,000 for the remains of Michael Jackson's nose.
The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the New Hampshire--Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont.
"Thank heavens!" was his reply. "I didn't think I could take another one of those goddamned Vermont winters."
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two--one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with Jell-O.
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police.
The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe," he mumbled.
"And where're you from, Joe?"
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.
"The arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians."
After 20 years' obedience to his vow of silence, the Trappist monk was called into the abbot's study and told that he could utter two words. "Bad food," he said softly. His superior nodded and dismissed him.
Twenty years later, the monk was again summoned by the abbot. "No heat," the monk said, head bowed.
By the time he was called again, a new, younger abbot had been appointed. The monk, an old man now, entered the study waving his cane. "I quit," he declared.
"So be it," the abbot said. "I hear you bitch too much, anyway."
Heard a funny one lately? Send it on a postcard, please, to Party Jokes Editor, Playboy, Playboy Bldg., 919 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. $100 will be paid to the contributor whose card is selected. Jokes cannot be returned.